Suicide?

After a long long hold back.. I am back.. hold back of what? Well.. I am pretty sure no one will be interested in my personal life.. since it is another boring story..

Suicide.. ya.. this somehow has become a "hot topic" in the newspapers as it kept on appearing as one of the headlines.. I can't help it but wonder.. why?? I am sure you feel lost.. sad.. like there is nothing else to live for.. and hence.. the next move will be.. to end your life.. once and for all.. To be frank, such thing does flash through my mind before.. but, I in the same time, I start to question myself.. if I were to go just like that.. one day, if someone were to think of me.. the only thing that they will recall is.. "this poor girl.. had a bad day.. thn die..".. and basically.. tat's all.. which are all negative.. I don't want my life ends just like tat.. If I were to die.. one day, I want ppl to recal me as.. " this gal is a great asset.. it is a huge lost to let go of her.. but it is not her call.. we surely miss her very very dearly.. " Idf I were to leave this world at my darkest moment, people will only remember you at the life prior to ur death right? Maybe I am not entirely correct.. But one thing I am certain of.. I do not have the courage to die just like tat.. do you know how much it takes to commit suicide? Well..you try taking a knife and poke it to your heart.. No.. I do not mean the "poke" button available in the Facebook.. I mean the realy poke where by you will see blood and everything.. can you do it? Maybe you can.. but I surely don't have the courage to do such thing..

I kept wondering.. when one decide to commit suicide.. do they think of their loved ones, by saying the loved ones I meant your parents.. your friends.. the one that you cared and cared of you? If you were to think of them, do you really have the courage to continue? Jumping down from 18 floors does not sound cool at all.. in fact, it is as scary as sitting on a celero shoot.. Before jumping down.. since you feel like you do not have any life anymore.. I believe money to you will mean nothing too right? Why don't you spent some of them.. go to genting.. and sit Celero shoot for .. let's say.. 5 times? this you can redo again and again.. and "experience" the feel of jumping down.. and you can treat it as suicide and "refresh" your mind all over again.. throw the feeling of suicide... and take a little bit more courage and continue your life.. wouldn't that sounds like a better plan?

Live your life FOR yourself.. and not for others.. this is what I usually heard.. somehow.. I am trying to do that as well.. we are bounded by feeling.. and there are times we are happy.. and there are down as well.. life is a cycle.. it is when we experienced the darkest moment that we will become stronger.. and when it goes by, we will know that it is not the end of world.. and we have went through the darkest that we will appreciate things that are around us..

I strongly believe that, there are choices in life.. and each choice taken.. will have an opportunity cost. However, this is life.. and life itself is a gamble.. at times, we might feel lost.. but it is not the end of the world.. it is just a consequences that we have to bare with every step taken. If there is no risks attached to it, I would say, it is not life at all.. some risks are worth taking.. some risks.. once taken.. cannot be undo.. After all, we are not superman, we will still get hurt.. bleed.. but trust me.. it is not the end of the world.. please don't take away life so easily..

This reminded me of a song, Superman can't fly by Jay Chow..I hope you will like it..

没关系--It is OK.. but is it??

Ya.. I am very used to saying this.. "I'm ok with it.. ".. but deep down.. am I really ok with it? or Am I just trying to convince myself to be ok with it?

I cam across with this song.. and somehow.. I can't stop listening to it.. At times, I do hope that it will not hurt much by saying "it is ok..".. although I might be able to convince others that I am ok with it.. but deep down inside.. I am just trying hard to pleased others.. trying to make them feel better.. without standing strong to my point.. I know well that they might not understand why I am "forcing" myself to take it that way.. but I know this move is for the better.. I am not sure if .. by chance.. anyone will get to know how much it takes to say "it is ok.. ".. and how long it took to be really okey with it.. but .. those who actually says it.. will know..

But I have to admit.. this is one great song.. and I do hope that you will enjoy the song as much as I enjoyed it..

Are you really sure that extra marital affair is good??

By chance, I came across with this article which makes me wonder.. are you really sure that affairs is a constructive catalyst in a marriage? ok.. maybe to some point, she is not entirely wrong.. but I am curious.. the whole article says about guys having or I should say.. enjoying the affairs .. which the "suffering" party- the gal.. will have to bare with it.. and ultimately.. able to go through this this disaster right.. Ok.. wel.. she makes me wonder.. the whole article only mentioned that about a guy having an affair is bearable..

Let's look things from another point shall we? If...this happens to the other party.. maybe the female that is having an affair.. will this be applicable as well? I would say.. certainly.. NO.. why is it so??this is merely because, we human being.. are selfish.. can you bear with betrayal? regardless of the reasons.. can you? if you are a gal.. to some point.. you might considered.. but guys.. can you stand all these? chances are.. you will end up having a divorce.. right? Why am I so sure?? wel.. of course this does not apply to all guys.. but.. heh..I realised that most guys.. they are more "small gas" than you can ever imagine.. the reason they says " it is ok.." is because they have a name to uphold..a name called "gentleman"... but like what I said.. we do have a limit before we shows our real colour.. However, try not to test how far is the "limit" for we gals k? You might be taking things for granted because you ASSUMED that we gals doesn't have a limit.. but.. at that point of time. .we might not have the strength.. the ability to shout things out.. but do bear in mind that.. we are not stupid.. we KNOW what is happening.. once when the limit is exceeded.. TRUST ME.. you won't want to know what's next k??

Like what I once said.. please be fair to all.. if you think affairs is good for marriage.. then.. you should tell you wife.. and have a mutual agreement that.. both party can enjoy their affair "openly".. that.. to me.. will be a fair shot.. and it might actually be good for a marriage.. but.. if you are certain that you will not want to share your wife with others.. then.. please.. make sure that thoughts such as affair should never cross your mind.. else.. you might just regret for what that will follow by?? May be you have some other thoughts? please.. by all means.. share with me!!

Are you the tree, leaf or wind??

I believe most of you would have read or at least heard of the story of tree, leave and wind? If you have yet to hear of it, you can read if from here ( for chinese vesion )or here ( english version). Ok.. let me be frank, the english version.. is not translated by me.. but it is simply "copy and paste" from somewhere else..

However, reading back at this story.. which I once got it from some1 that is no longer standing around me.. it somehow has another meaning.. but.. let's keep it for another day shall we? Back to this story.. Some presume them to be only one of those 3 characters.. but.. I am pretty sure that.. we've been through the 3 stages.. or maybe.. we will be going through these? it is a matter of time.. Hence, there is no certainty as to.. whether you are the "tree", "leaf" or the "wind".. ok ok.. you might not agree with me now.. but I am pretty sure.. one day.. u will agree?!

At some point of time.. when you are way too confident that you are worth the time for some1 to wait for you.. it is when you are taking things for granted.. you are known as the "tree".. one that will only look at things that are ,of your "definition" ,of "your standard". When you only look things align with your eye side, it is when you starts to lose out? Ya.. life is about opportunity cost.. when you wishes to gain from one side.. you will have to, whether you like it or not, forgo something.. but do bare in mind that.. when you choose to forgo.. never take things for granted by assuming that.. you are worth the wait.. because.. no one is worth for one's time to be wasted waiting for.. Time does not stop for anyone.. However, if you do think it is worth the risk to take.. go ahead pls!! But, if you are taking this risks.. never look back if things do not go as planned.. because.. you asked for it?!

Leaf, you are either way too insecure, too confidence or too ignorance to think that you will get what you desired.. if you wait.. you wishes to prove that.. time will tell.. that you are the best? but , are you? You are too insecure to make the first step.. to step out of your comfort zone..or you are ignorant or maybe too confidence to enough to think that.. ultimately, you will be the only choice that comes into his mind.. if a decision is needed?? So, whether he/she is too insecure, too ignorance or too confidence.. that.. I leave it to you to answer..

Wind, how should I put this.. you are the savior.. Without your existence, leaf will not even have the courage to make the step right? however, how strong can you be? Are you sure that you are able to withstand the bonds between the leaf and the tree? Are you sure that.. ultimately.. you will win? I am pretty sure that.. if you without a try, you will not know.. but, please do bare in mind that.. this is not a game!! A game where, if you are able to pull the leaf off the tree, you will win and it is your choice to throw the leaf aside.. and you can be the tree to the leaf all over again? Wouldn't it be way too cruel to do so? You have to know that.. it takes more than just courage for the leaf to step out of the comfort zone? Ok.. you might noe all these.. but you still wish to experiment all these? ok.. go ahead thn.. but do noe that.. Karma will hunt you down.. What goes around comes around..

So, are you the wind, the leaf, or the tree?? .. .. ..

Is it so?!

I had the time to read back on the old blog I once had.. and while reading it.. I realised I used to write great post.. especially those that will really make me feel emo. .. ok.. I shall say that.. I used to feel highly insecure. I used to build a wall that restrict anyone to pass by it.. and in the same time.. I want to be understood.. complicated? Ya.. I know...

Ya.. I know I look strong and "unbeatable" from the outside.. but to be frank.. it is just a mask frm a vulnerable me.. So, should I say that.. the more tough one appear to be.. it might only shows that.. that some1 might be highly insecure and once this wall is broken into half.. the next thing you will see.. is some1 crying like a big baby?

The thing is.. no matter how hard you are trying to avoid one thing.. if you fail to face it.. it will haunt you down.. so.. the question now is.. do you have the courage to face it?? I know.. at times it hurts to face the facts.. and I know at times it is scary to take the next step.. as one unknown. somehow will lead you to another unknown which.. you are not in control of.. but the bare truth.. life is all about risks.. if you are not willing to take the first step.. and you are afraid of the past haunting you.. you will not be able to able to live out of the past.. you will forever remain status quo.. is that what you wish for??

I have to be frank.. I am not tough at all.. but I am trying to be.. I used to describe myself as a cactus.. and I still do think I am.. A cactus that look scary and ugly from the outside.. but might be gentle from the inside.. A cactus that might hurt some1 is you come too close.. but in the same times, without you realizing it, I might get hurt too? However, I do hope to be as strong as a cactus.. one that can withstand hot sun, strong wind... and one that are proud to be called as a cactus..


If you think smile is a sign of happiness.. think again.. Again.. if you think cry is a sense of sadness.. it might not be entirely correct.. Laugh alone does not entirely represent happy.. what more smile.. Again, without tears.. it does not mean that one is not sad.. right?

你不知道的事..

There are lots of things remain unknown.. or I should say.. remain unspoken... or to be more exact.. it should be said as.. remain unwanted to be known.. Yes.. I know.. At times.. you wish to know something.. but somehow.. deep down inside.. you are afraid to know.. because you know.. in some degree.. you care too much to know that.. the story behind all these might hurt you deeply.. I know how you feel.. because without knowing it.. still.. you will feel unsecured.. but the consequences of your curiosity.. might cause you to know severe headache.. because you have to try solving or stay calm trying to find a way out of this mess.. This is where I am... It will not be possible to see all these from me.. because.. I wear a mask? but if you were to look into my eyes.. or to feel what I am feeling.. you will know..

Some were shocked to know that.. people at my age actually have my mind set.. But the thing is.. I have to.. not because I want to.. with all that I faced.. it will be impossible to not have such thinking.. is it a good thing? ok.. wel.. the truth is.. I guess I have to be glad that.. I think one step further? I asked when I don't understand even though it might sound ridiculous.. It can be kind of stress to be who I am.. but I guess.. I have to look strong.. to be able to stand up and face the world.. I cannot hide away.. because.. like some1 once told me..you can run.. but you cannot hide.. it will haunt you.. until you are brave enough to face it.. and overcome it.. I am not strong..in case you don't know.. but I am working hard to make myself strong enough to not to step back when I face obstacles.. I am working hard to be comfortable with what ever that is happening around me..

Below is a nice song.. a song that I would have.. entertain me when I am pressured with my surrounding.. at the very least.. it sang out the part that says.. "things that you do not know".. because.. if you think you do know me well.. do think again pls..

我還是我- I AM WHO I AM

I came across this video posted by Namewee today. I am pretty sure most of you will know who is he right? He is one artist which I can't help but to respect him so so much!! He is dare enough to speak up without fearing of anything.. How nice if I can be like him.. maybe I care way too much at times that I rather keep things to myself than to speak up.. Ya.. I do realised that at times.. I put others above me.. How can I not do so once I put myself in their shoes.. understanding how they are feeling.. I would rather keep my feeling for myself.. and remain silence.. this is who I am.. wearing a mask and facing the world.. tired ? Hell ya.. but wat else can I do? speak up? maybe.. one day.. but today might not be the day..

The thing is.. if you have yet to realised.. the only thing that remain unchanged around you is change itself.. don't get me? Well, think hard.. things are changing regardless whether you like it or not.. whether it is for the best or for the worst.. hence.. it is change itself that is remain unchanged, because it will continue to change right? If you have yet to realised.. I am still who I am.. I am still this gal that has tones of questions waiting to be answered.. I will continue to ask questions whether you like it or not.. whether it irritates you or not.. because I realised.. it is never right to assume stuff.. when I don't know.. I should ask.. even thought common sense can answer this question.. but I would rather hear it from you than to assume the answer from you.. I do know it can be irritating at times.. but you know wat.. It's all up to you to choose whether to answer or not.. but I choose to ask.. I might be emo at times..or rather.. most of the times.. but I will settle my own feeling.. this is who I am.. I am independent? tat.. it is not up to me to say this..

I really like this new song of his.. you can have a clearer view of his lyrics from here .

Below is his new song..

還是我 I AM WHO I AM by Namewee 黃明志好好野專輯主打

Mind your words pls?!!

I over heard this today while I was driving to work.. ok.. I know I have been outdated.. well.. I hardly read news.. and the only source of update on current news.. solely based on the 10 min news update from Radio will not be good enough.. but.. lazy la.. hahaha XP..

Ok.. back to the topic.. I heard about this one thing.. which I do think clarification is highly needed!! Ya.. I know rape cases increase significantly through the year.. However, the thing is.. how can you blame it so much on female's attire? I know.. I know.. somehow or rather.. it does contribute in someway.. but heh.. if you blame it so much on female's attire.. thn.. does it mean that.. divorce cases that increase tremendously.. I can start to blame it on guys that are not loyal and cheated on their wife? Ok.. let me clarify here.. when a gal feels good about them selves.. why can't they wear which ever attire that they like? there is no rules saying it is forbidden right? However, it doesn't say or has the label on their forehead saying that.. "Heh.. You are welcome to my world!" This reminded me of a post I once wrote. Men, are they just risk taker? or they are sole short sighted? Ya.. I know some gals which to show off of how they feel about themselve.. but there is nothing wrong with that.. However, it is wrong to make assumption.

About divorce cases.. well.. I wouldn't make assumption that most are due to disloyalty from their beloved ones.. but I do know that some are.. However, this still do puzzled me after so long.. guys.. are they really just short sighted? or they are merely risk taker? With the hope that their action will not be found out.. they desired took over their thoughts.. and shits happened.. so.. who to blame? really.. doesn't it seems clear? why do you have to put the blame on others? Can't you just reflect on your action and maybe.. think before things are spilled out? Well.. I almost forgot that.. they risk taker.. However.. I am not saying that.. all guys are.. I do hope that you are not.. and you will think hard before any actions are taken.. before once it is done.. it is done.. there is no turning back.. Looking back at my post.. I realised I wrote it in Chinese.. for those that don't really understand.. ok.. I will translate part of what I wrote in english for u this time.

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I once observed this one case.. which I believe.. most of us do see such case happening .. yet.. we choose to ignore.. choose not to see and understand.. There are ppl that willnig to give up a happy family just bec of "their desire".. let go of the one that has been sleeping beside you for so many years.. your children because of desire.. all these because you wish to go for some "fresh meat"? However, with the if you asked the similar question to a woman.. will they be willing to do so? Maybe they will do so too.. but so far.. I have only heard of a woman that is willing to let go of everything because of her family..but not vice versa..They are willing to take in anything just to see their children smile.However, if we were to change the character of the story to a guy.. how many of them willing to do so? . Maybe there are cases that Men are willing to do so.. but if we were to compared.. what will be the ratio? There is such case I observed.. He is willing to sell his property for his mistress, with the hope that his family will accept her.. his wife will understand.. HA.. won't that be way too.. "fairy tale"? How many woman on this earth will be able to accept such "non sense"? He ended up losing everything.. his family, his wife.. his children.. his mistress.. So.. wat is the feeling of losing everything when you wises to get everything? He took things for granted.. and ended losing everything!Why didn't he think of such ending before he make his first move? Ended up trying to commit suicide will bring him no where either.. His action will only make his ex wife felt glad that she let him go.. at the very least.. there is no need to live her daily life looking at his "betrayed" face.

However, if such case happened on a woman.. I am pretty sure that the whole world will start to blame her.. scold her.. Still I can hardly understand.. why guys can be understood.. but why can;t this apply to a woman if the same thing happened on them? Before a guy even think of making the first wrong move.. can't they see the consequences of it? Are they risk taker? or they are just short sighted? Still, in the end.. they will end up saying.. " I am sorry.. please do forgive me.. I am no god.. I will make mistake too.. I promise.. there is no next time.. starting from now.. you will be the only woman in my life.. .. blah blah blah.." Chances are..the wife might just forgive him because she understands that their children still need their father..but there is no guaranty that this will be the last time he said so.. TRUST is build upon time.. it can never happen in a day or two.. Hence.. once you owned it.. do keep in.. don't ever break such miracle.. because once you lose it.. it might never return..
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So, anyone out there willing to take up such task.. and maybe try to enlighten me with " whether man, they are short sighted or risk take?"

我是一隻小小鳥 - 丁噹

Sorry for not updating my blog for such a long time.. well.. start work d.. At times, it can be really bz.. and without realising.. time passed and it is time to go back.. I do not want to make blogging a a work.. because it will only make me feel stress.. not saying that what I am doing are stressful.. but it might sounds funny.. I actually enjoy what I am doing..

I am really glad that I found what I am looking for.. I read this somewhere that states,

"HAPPINESS IS NOT DETERMINED BY HOW MUCH YOU HAVE BUT IT IS DETERMINED BY HOW LITTLE YOU NEED"

this is really true.. you can never be happy if you can never be contended with what you have.. I once feel nothing seems to be good enough for me.. I started to blame a lot of things around.. and looking back at things.. I have things that others don't have. Although I might have been through a lot.. maybe more than those which is around my age experienced, I am who I am today because of what I have been through.. Hence, if I were to be given a chance to do things all over again, I guess, the only different I would be doing is that.. I would only desired to be a better person.. one fine day, when I look back at myself, I am glad of the steps taken.. that I am not standing at status quo.. I have move forward.. this is not too much to ask for right?

This is one nice song.. and I really do like it a lot..It translated what I am feeling at this moment., I hope you will like it too..

丁噹-我是一隻小小鳥

Have you ever wonder..

Time to think.. and it will be good.. if you can think really hard.. and wonder.. why time flies so fast.. and did you really appreciate those that stayed by you or staying by your side when you really do need them?

Yes, I know well that.. most people do take things for granted.. and some of them. .will regret at that point of time.. and promise to appreciate.. but as time passed by.. their promises started to fade away all over again..

One used to tell me.. "prioritize your life! you know wat is important to you.. and try not to look back at he choices you made.. ".. Well said.. but the thing is.. if you never look back, you will never know what you did wrong.. and history will repeat itself all over again.. and this is what we are trying to avoid right? However, at this point of your life, the thing that you placed first.. might not be that important as time passed by. .and you might regret.. hence.. not to look back? wel.. I would say.. it depends.. you are who you are today.. and we are human.. which is main to do learn from mistake.. the most importantly.. we need to ADMIT that we did WRONGLY and LEARN from MISTAKE. . both admitting and learning must come hand in hand..

I had a chat wit one of my closest friend while I was in Form 6 the other day.. and it strikes me.. I have lost contact wit her for.. almost 4 year (and i can get a bachelor degree with that period).. We used to discuss everything under the sun.. and i do mean everything.. but now.. I don't even know how she is doing.. and have been doing all these while.. how sad.. but I am glad that.. this is one place that connects both of us together.. at the very least.. she knows how i am doing.. After all, this is one place where i can be myself.. without pleasing anyone.. while I am blogging.. my priority is none other than myself.. but in the real world.. I don't live by myself.. I have people around me to pleased. I need to make sure most people are happy.. even though it will mean that I am unhappy, stress or sad.. this is me.. and it can be really tiring to wear this mask going around..

I know not many still do read my blog.. but it is ok.. because one thing remains.. I still do feel good to update my blog. .and feel relief to be myself here.. I do not know what the future hold for me.. Am I meant to do big things? but at the very least, I am meant to build my own world.. a world which belong to myself.. and for now.. this is my world.. a world that belong to none other than.. myself..

life..

I know it has been long since I last updated my blog.. I am sorry.. I guess the main reason is because I have been lazy.. well.. I have been trying hard to get use to new environment.. and new living style..

Why say so? ok.. let me give you a brief "glance through" as to what have been happening..I cooked.. ok.. I don't usually cook.. but for the first time in KL.. I actually cook.. and to my suprise..it is enjoyable..

However, I get to know a really bad news.. this post is dedicated to him.. We used to be close.. but due to some issues.. we somehow lost contact.. yet.. he is nice enough to remember my number.. and my birthday.. each year.. during my birthday.. i will get his sms.. wishing me.. except for that.. I don't really see him.. or even chat with him.. Lately, I got a news from my friends.. telling me that.. he had left us.. to somewhere far far away.. and I only get to know this about half a year later. ..Come to think of it.. I have yet to get any sms frm him tis year.. I thought maybe he is working in New Zealand and he is very busy.. lost track of time.. or maybe he is living happily now.. hence I don't really give much thought on it.. but it never cross my mind.. he is no longer around.. and whenever I hear this songs.. or see Sandy Lam.. it will remind me of him.. I have to be frank.. I can hardly recall his face.. because it has been awhile since I last see him.. but the thought that he is no longer around.. somehow.. makes me feel sad.. and in the same time remind me that I should always appreciate people around me.. and never take things for granted..

Hence I would like to take this opportunity to say..

Thanks you for being there for me when I needed someone..
this is not only dedicate for you.. but for everyone that read this..
THANK YOU!~

Below is an attached of the song.. enjoy!

Interviews.. anyone?

Ya.. I am done with my degree.. and have been hunting for jobs.. since.. let me see.. April? and I am proud to say that.. I am done hunting for job!!

I am glad that I did not give up half way through when I have been rejected by others.. but it is a process I know I have to go through to know where I stand and to grow up.. I have been through interviews with commercial sectors.. with the big 4.. and even with the big MNC.. and even local companies.. and I have sum up those experiences in this posts.. with the hope that.. you all can gain something out of this..

First and for most.. there will be a test.. to test on your level of thinking ( mathematically, your maturity and how do you handle or act on certain situations)and of most of the case.. English plays an important role.. because you will need to deal with your superiors.. and customers.. and even to communicate with others.. hence.. most cases.. you will be asked to go through a written test. For companies such as PWC and IBM.. you need to go through the assessment in order for you to go for the interview.. hence.. do well in the assessment to gain the chance to impress your interviewers.. Companies such as Genting and KPMG.. well.. you will get the chance to go for the interview once after you have completed the assessment.

Ok.. let's assume you have gone through the assessment and get the chance to talk to the interviewers.. I realised that.. it is crucial for them to know that you are clear of what you want.. as they need to know that you are keen of the job.. and will be worth for them to "invest" the time, effort and $$ in you.. however, it is also important to show to them that you are confidence..I realised.. most of the interviews.. they don really ask technical questions.. most of them will ask you personal questions such as " how will you deal with situations like this and that.. how do you rank yourself when compared to others.. and stuff".. mostly.. you can find the interviews questions in the internet.. but my advise would be.. never say something that show them that you are way too good.. or over confident.. and in the same time, never say bad things about another company or about others.. this will only show how unprofessional of u.. all of these.. i think are crucial.. and essential..

I do hope I manage to help you all.. if there is any questions you would like to ask related to this.. please do feel free to ask.. I will try my very best to help out..

Birthday celebration..

I am pretty sure that most people will try to make a big fuss out of this day.. i mean.. come on.. this is the day you were born.. and the day you enter into this world.. with one thing on ur mind - you wish to make a different out of this world? ok.. maybe not such huge thing.. but deep down inside.. somehow.. you still wish for this right?

My birthday? ok.. since.. i can't remember when.. I stopped reminding others about this day.. and with the hope that.. somehow.. others will not remember.. because to me.. it is just another normal day.. nothing special about this day.. and maybe because of so.. since then.. somehow.. my family members somehow forgotten about this day.. Well, I don't really blame them.. they have a a lot things on their mind.. hence, this year.. only around dinner.. somehow my youngest sister remembered and reminded everyone.. there is no cake .. no candle.. no birthday song.. just a slice of cake from my best friend - Wen Min. I guess.. this is why I didn't get the chance to make a wish.. but if I were given the chance to make one.. I hope that they will know what I am going through.. I am not afraid of getting hurt.. but I wish to walk my way out of my life.. maybe someway along the line.. I will get hurt.. I will fall down.. but at least.. this is my walk.. and I will suffer my own consequences.. What that I see.. might not be what you saw.. and we might not see things eye to eye.. but.. I have my own thoughts.. my own mindset.. which.. maybe not many will understand.. but this is who I am..

Too bad.. I have missed out my chance to make such a wish this year.. haih.. but I don mind if anyone of you willing to "donate" a cake for me.. hahaha.. so.. any volunteers?

Way back into time..

Gosh.. if it is not because of my sister.. I guess I won't go back to my secondary school and somehow.. all the sweet memories flash back..

I remembered when I was a student.. I was also a prefect.. well respected one? well, I will not put it that way.. but the different part is.. I don't use the "power" given to me for personal reason.. I tried to listen to others.. and tried to find my way out.. I remembered when I was still a secondary student.. I used to think that it would be nice if I can by pass all the exams.. I like learning new things.. but well.. it is never fair to compare who is the best of the best solely based on exams performance.. because.. I was never on the sport light.. I was active .. was in the so called " best class in whole form".. but I was never the best.. well.. I guess when I was young.. I realised that my greatest enemy was none other than-- myself.. but.. maybe.. starting from now, I need to change my perception on things.. I still need to challenge myself.. but.. it should never stop there.. I was never a well-known student even when in my degree program.. because I choose not to be high profile.. Ya.. I have to admit.. I like to stay status quo.. remaining in my comfort zone and not willing to make the first step. All of these.. got to stop now!! I know very well that I can make it through if I am willing to make the first step and keep on trying..I might fail even after I tried my very best but I know very well that.. if I stop trying.. things will come to an end.. and all the hard work will not worth a single thing.. I have come this far.. it is just few more steps away from reaching my dream.. just a few more steps..

way back to reality..

I guess I have been dreaming all these while.. you know.. the type of typical country gal pondering and dreaming of something huge.. wanting to "save" the world.. but ultimately.. only wishes to save herself from the ugly side of the world.. hoping and praying that she can always remain in the wonders of the good side of the world? wel.. it is time to wake up and find myself back to the reality.. I know.. I am a gal that is highly insecure.. I can't help it but wonder tones of possibilities.. some might sound not logical.. but maybe in some sense.. it makes me feel better.. but.. I guess I can never run away from the truth.. ya.. I know Jon once told me.. the truth can be ugly.. and.. some truth are meant not to be reveal.. for the best of both parties.. I know.. but do you know that it is also true to say that if I can accept you.. I will accept the true you.. and not the one that I wishes you to be.. because you are who you are.. I rather you hurt me now than to find out some hidden lies ( or should I say some white lies ) one day in the future..

The reality is.. life is never fair.. when you started to treasure something so much so that you are not willing to let go.. maybe it is time for you to let it go.. for the good of both party.. I need to face the reality that.. regardless of how much have been given out or sacrifices.. I guess.. it will only be regarded as a foolish act one day.. if it is not being appreciated.. I know I did nothing wrong.. but I guess one day.. maybe another party will have the same thought too.. because things can be deceiving when it comes to wat have been seen.. heard.. felt.. as opposed to what is called as "the truth".. Of all skills I've learn throughout my whole degree.. reflection and justification are of the best use.. I know not many will back me up.. but don't you think that wat is the truth.. might not be that important.. as it is how you justify it as the "truth" that matters the most? Reflection.. is one skill that not many mastered. Only through reflection you will learn what have you done wrong.. and avoid history from repeating .. ..
Still.. I can't help it but wonder.. what have I done wrong.. or should I rephrase it to.. What more can I do to make it right?

The outside world ....外面的世界

I know I won't be able to update my blog as frequent as I used to be).. because.. I final exam is around the corner and in the same time, I need to attend interview (do wish me all the best!!).. However, I guess I still need to update some nice songs that I came across lately as .. heh.. how can I not share great songs right? but.. I have to say.. most of the songs I listen to are chinese songs ( to be more precise, mandarin songs).. those who don't really know chinese.. you know wat.. there's no harm listening to these songs.. just like I used to listen to Japanese songs without knowing what they sang.. but the rhythm somehow touched me too..

Well, Karen Mok.. she is very much famous with her long sexy legs.. but somehow..her style of conveying her songs.. is very much unique too.. the first time when you listen to her song.. you might not like it..but if you listen it with your heart.. all alone.. in the middle of the night.. or maybe when you are very much stress.. this is one song that will make you feel better..

I know in days ( oh ya.. I just realised it is DAYS instead of MONTHS).. my degree life will come to an end... and I will have to join the working world whether I like it or not.. The truth is.. it is a mixed feeling.. I am eager to work.. because I want to learn as much as I can..while I have the chance.. yet.. being way too comfortable at my own zone.. I am reluctant to step out of this zone .. where study life seems to have less things to worry about.. but.. this is life.. where this is a path that I need to go through.. because.. one fine day, maybe 5 years later.. when I looked back.. I want to be proud of myself for taking this very step to step out of my comfort zone to a path that is full of challenges.. and able to go through all of these with pride!

Wish me best of luck would you?!

In the mean time.. enjoy this nice song!!

莫 文蔚(Karen Mok)-外面的世界 ( The outside world)

.. and You know very well that you MIND!! ..

oh ya.. I'm sure no matter how "generous" you are.. I'm pretty sure you will mind.. right? but what do you mind ?? ok.. well.. I was in the library waiting for my cousin ( mind you that I have to wait for 4 hours). .and just when I was half asleep.. I realised a guy kept going out of the computer lab and he was on phone.. and I guess he must be talking to his "sayang" { ok ok.. I know I'm kepo (busy body) but not to the extend that I will purposely listen to what he talks.. but I simply can't help it!!--> He talks way too loud to the extend that I feel like going to him and "SHHHHHH"..as I guess he might have forgotten that we are in the library.. but heh.. how can I miss such entertainment whn I am rotting in the library right?} and He goes like " heh sayang .. .. you are embarassing me... you should have trust me.. check my emails.. and dunno what ex ... and.. " sorry gals and guys.. He was practically speaking Indonesian.. and all I can pick up are this much.. but all that I understood was that.. his gf was checking through his emails and saw some emails which I think was 5 years and I guess she got so jealous and did some crazy stuff that makes him kind of upset.

Ok.. end of story.. but What I got was.. well, you know you mind and why do you went to check up on him? is it because you still don't trust him? or is it all that he did still failed to gain your trust? I mean.. heh.. don ask me to trust when you still failed to gain my trust right? You can't expect someone to trust you when you failed to convince the other party that you are trustworthy right? I know many couples that mind about the history of their "partner".. but.. one thing for sure.. you can't possibly change what that had happened right? what you can change is the futures .. If you are certain that history will hunt you.. why bother to dig it up.. and makes both of you suffer? If you don't mind ( which is a total lie.. but to the extend that you are sure that it will not bothered both of you).. maybe you should try out by asking ..



Well, I know that one's history might project one's future behavoir.. and it might actually affect your relationship.. but.. if you actually think that this is might be your future.. I think it is best that you try to accept his history so that there will be a future for both of you.. There is no need to lie about it? becuase one day or another.. what ever that you are trying to run away from.. will hunt you back.. you don't believe me? try it out.. and let me know if it's true? because.. this is my lecturer told me.. faced it and you will realise that it is just one small obstacle of life.. right?

P.S: I guess someone should feel a huge relieve that I don't really mind that much of the history which affects the potential future.. right ? XP

What will you do?!

At some point of time.. you will and might be in some kinda dilemma.. I came across such news years ago.. a couple met some bad guys.. and the guys were bad enough to threaten the gal to have sex with them else they will kill the guy.. and to save him.. she agreed.. I have to solute to her.. I mean.. in such condition.. I have doubts on whether I will really do such thing.. I mean.. ok.. it might really seems to be such a huge deal.. but.. the effect after the "agreement".. have you thought of it? Will he still be with you? Will he gets angry with your decision? will both of u really work it through?

I mean.. if you were in such dilemma.. will you agree to it? let's see.. from a girl point of view.. you are doing it out of love.. it seems like there is nothing wrong with it.. you can save someone.. someone that ur treasured alot.. but from a guy's point of view.. will you mind after what that had happened? although she is doing it because she love you alot.. and doesn't wanna lose you.. but will you get through it.. and "appreciate" what she did? one day.. if similar situation happened, will you fight for her like wat she did? can both of u really work it through?

So many questions.. so little answer.. I got to know that.. most of guys.. in some point of time, are selfish.. they doesn't wan wat they have to be shared with others regardless of what.. but.. in this circumstances.. can you accept it? Ultimately, can you still love her the way you used to? Will this change everything? I guess it would be highly subjective.. but what I see it.. it will never be the same.. regardless of how you work things out? but is it really so? I dunno.. but it's something that i hope to get feedbck from..

..Expectation..

When you are expecting something and you get nothing.. it will be huge de-motivation.. right? wel.. I know how you feel.. whn you start to expect something.. and whn expectation not met, you will only end up with disappointment.. I know how it felt.. and that is why I tried not to expect anything.. regardless of how much I have put in.. but the truth is, somehow.. I will stil be expecting something.. or I will stil wish for something deep down in my heart.. which I know very wel that it will not be possible.. sound kinda irrational.. but.. you need to dream to know what you wan.. and to fight for wat you wan right? and hence, if i start dreaming.. does it mean that.. I have stopped expecting some? does it mean that.. I will stop all the disappointment? if ya.. should I really stopped dreaming? some realistic dreams.. some achievable dreams.. maybe it's wat that i need? but.. you know.. at times, my dreams don't really about me alone.. and whn it's not, I will not know what is achievable.. something that i think can be achieved might not be what is true.. right?

ok.. I have to admit.. I am kinda emo for the day.. so.. I'm really sorry if I've caused you (reader) to feel emo... I was told that bad emotion will spread around.. so.. I guess the best way is to lock myself in my room.. and try to settle this on my own.. and whn I'm emo.. most of the time, i will refuse to answer any calls.. I don really know why.. until yesterday.. I was emo.. but I take up the call.. which was very obvious it was a huge mistake. The caller (no.. i'm not gonna tell is who.. but let's assumed it's a he) was in a good mood.. and was trying to cheer me up.. but in the end.. I soft of pissed him off.. he expect me to do something.. to feel bit better.. and whn expectation not met.. he was not so happy.. --> disappointed.. but the truth is.. I was trying my best not to expect anything.. and trying to do so.. it is never an easy job.. maybe that was wat that causes me to be emo in the first place.. but whn i started to expect this little bit.. I felt a big bang.. and the glimpse of "hope" was shut down immediately.. and ya.. I know it was a huge mistake to take the call.. but what u might not know was.. it is this hope was makes me feel so.... .. I don't blame you.. I blame myself for taking the call.. making this worse.. I blame myself.. for I can't control my emotion and affect ppl around me.. but you know.. it is never an easy job to wear a mask and walk around.. I need a place.. a corner to be myself.. where.. there is no mask needed.. and I guess.. I made some bad choices.. and I know now.. and this is y I am at the worst mood possible.. but I guess.. this is just a part of life that i need to go through.. again..

and this is the harm of expectation.. if.. it went the wrong way.. but we can never noe how wrong or how right it will go.. so should i stop expecting things.. and maybe.. it someway, stop all these disappointment that causes all these "pain".. or I shld just live with it? I know well that i can't tell out wat i expect.. because.. it might just cause others to feel pressure.. and this is not something i will be proud of.. I guess.. in some point of life.. we will face such issue.. it's my call.. and let's just see how things go..

This is a song that I like alot.. and I can't help it but listening to it over and over again.. funny right?

Blogging really = NO LIFE ??

Somehow.. the other day while chatting with Supia and Dawa about no life.. but first and for most, I really would like to know wat is known by NO LIFE ? having a life where you are doing the same thing over and over again = no life? really? keep blogging also equal to no life? I mean.. I enjoy blogging.. enjoy chatting at Innit with all those bloggers.. so.. I'm categorised as "no life" too? but I know well that.. this shld be considered as so much better thn those who plagiarized one's work.. which.. I think I'm lucky enough not to be famous enough to experience such disaster.. (THANK GOODNESS!!) XP

Ok.. Supia didn't really say blogging = no life ( I better start to explain clearer b4 she got angry and tembak me).. haha.. but I would have to say.. if you can enjoy blogging.. it can be one part of life? just like you enjoy reading my blog.. right? Having said that you work, study, sleep, do assignment thn the routine does all over again does not mean that you have no life..it might mean that you have no other extra time doing some other things but it is definitely one type of life to me.. At the very least.. it is a life that I would say.. a "productive life"? this type of life is so much better than those who waste their time taking drugs.. those mat rempit wasting their life endangering others valuable life right?

So, what can I say? I will not agree to the statement that blogging = no life and i will not agree to the say that study and wrk = no life.. but I am wondering.. I know that one that can sleep whole day long is someone that is so so lucky.. but those person ..categorized as "no life" too?