给仙人掌的信

亲爱的仙人掌，

你是否尝试过。。有千言万语想说，可，话到了口中。。什么都道不出。。因为你害怕。。迟迟平伏不了的情绪又不听话的涌了出来。。连接着的泪又会花了妆。。 尝试过吗？我，不知该如何面对这样的我。。我痛得好无奈。。

如果有个贝壳，那该多好。。好希望能在此时就这样抽身的躲进这小小避风港。。就算无法完全躲得了100% 的伤害。。至少能将杀伤减为最低？这样的感觉，您明了吗？

仙人掌啊，这会是你一是隔绝的原因之一吗？因为您已伤的太重，重的您得将所有的刺往自己身上刺。。然后用这永久的痛来提醒您，不要再被伤害了吗？那，你是否也是受了精神上的伤了？因为，这是万般的折磨，万般的痛。。 是如此吗？


您永远崇拜的学徒上。

亲爱的仙人掌..

亲爱的仙人掌，

我再次。。败给了时间，曾经，我天真的以为只要坚强点，只要穿上了防弹衣，我将会完整的走出。。。我以为，所有的情绪都会随着时间沉淀下。。能毫无感觉的将它摆放在无人察觉的一角。。可，它却在我毫无防范时一再的浮出。。无法沉淀的情绪，你有否了解？没法整理的心情，是如此的困扰，你又否能体谅？

仙人掌，我好仰慕您的勇敢，无论风吹雨打，您还是义无反顾的立正着。。。我了解您用尖利的刺保护着您，那我呢？一一的被刺伤，我快不能自我，快崩溃了。。是的，我怎么能再次与您比较呢？我，是那么的脆弱，是有血有肉。。任何的触碰都有可能伤害我。。更何况是言语的伤害呢，对吧？ 您是否也有经历过呢？ 那您又如何应对呢？硬碰硬吗？但，这只会注定让更多的人遍体鳞伤不是吗？所以，我选择沉默。。让所有的罪，所有的错，我一个人默认。。这样做，对吗？如果是对，那为何我感觉无比的委屈，无比的无奈，这情绪真的无法沉淀下。。为何这不听话的泪一直涌着来报道？您问我是否生气吗？我该怎么回答。。 生气吗？受伤更贴切吧！ 无法了解为何。。时间将这带到来。。 我，感觉上又回到原点。。终于了解为何这委屈感是如此的熟悉。。原来，所有的一切，又带我会到了原点。。仙人掌啊。。您经历过这一切吗？还是，因为您已经将自已一世隔绝了，所以我所道的一切，你已经没有感受了吗？那，可以教教我。。如何一是隔绝吗？我，真的泪得好累了。。

我已经没有能力带上面具面对一切了。。我知道最原本的我，是一个负担。。因为，我隐藏了好多的烦恼，好多的悲伤。。独自承受着。。好泪好累。。 单纯的以为，这样带着面具的我才会让别人快乐。。但我呢？我又在何处呢？有否有人注意过我眼底的顾虑。。我隐藏着的感受。。有人会否会意过呢？

仙人掌啊，我了解你在这世界有段时间了，会否能告诉我， 是不是所有的事和故，都会败给时间呢？是不是因为时间久了，大家都会累了，这一切都会裂了呢？ 是不是如此呢？

仙人掌啊，可否借我你那宽厚的肩膀靠靠？ 能否就紧紧的拥着我？我知道也了解，身上长满刺的您，会弄伤我，可，此时此刻的我，不就已遍体鳞伤了吗？多了这道伤口，有否有何差别呢。。对吗？就告诉我可以，好吗？


永远崇拜您的徒弟上

Where are you~~?!

This is a question directed to myself.. after a nervous breakdown.. I thought.. I will never experience this ever again.. but the truth is, I actually foresee that I will be expecting this again.. how long more will I go through all these? That is a question.. yet to be answered.. it depends on.. when I will realised.. where am I.. what a question right? Well, have you ever experienced this.. you know where you are.. physically.. but when you are way too devoted into something.. that, at that point of time, you are certain this will be giving future value.. way too devoted that, you lost yourself half way through.. without realising it..and one day, when you are awoken from that wonderful dream of yours.. you realised, you are in a place, where you can no longer see your own reflection.. are you alive? or.. and the 1st question that pops up.. "Where the hell am I?" ..

"Where are you".. this is one question I asked.. when I look into the mirror.. I guess it is the tears that have awoken me.. Yes.. I am not a practical person.. and yes.. I am a highly insecure gal.. this is because.. I have devoted a lot that I am not willing to let go? But, I am losing my grip..
I can't help it but wonder.. is it a sign of tiredness? I can't help it but wonder.. does anyone know what I have been through? How hard it is to come this far? Can you even imagine this? But who am I to judge right? I can never out spoke anyone.. Bare truth, I do not feel like saying a single shit.. because I don think words will worth much.. but I know well that it will certainly bring a lot of damage.. just like how much it had hurt me.. I say nothing does not mean I feel nothing.. some people will feel their power when others agree with what they thought is correct.. but, please do step back and reflect it.. because.. you will never know the truth.. if you continue to think it that way..

Well, the statement above.. you have been through too? Well, at some point of time.. I believe we will go through.. just a matter of time.. I have to say.. THANK YOU for those who are there when I am experiencing my nervous breakdown.. thank you for not forcing me .. and allow me to be myself.. I know I care for others more than I care for myself.. so much so that ... I thought I have lost my own feelings.. so much so that I have ignore my own needs.. and catering it for the happiness of others.. ya.. it is time to wake up.. and look for myself..

This is one song that I love so so much.. I prefer the cd version.. I will attached the lyrics here..


_____________________________________________________________
歌名:比较爱
歌手:梁静茹

别说了 再说我就要哭了
总之我是一个人
默默走回家 又静静关了灯
是否该提醒你祝我生日更快乐

别点歌 别让伤心的情歌
惹得你睡不安稳
情人节的花 你送给了别人
到隔天清晨留言你爱我多诚恳

只要能笑一笑 抱着你 感到安慰
我真的 比较爱你一点
每当你看着我 一个谎 说得甜美
两个人 都忍不住伤悲

别点歌 别让伤心的情歌
惹得你睡不安稳
你生日那夜 你留给了别人
到隔天清晨留言你爱我多认真

只要能笑一笑 抱着你 感到安慰
我真的 比较爱你一点
每当你看着我 一个谎 说得抱歉
我知道 你比我更可怜

就算我笑一笑 得不到 你的安慰
我情愿 比较爱你一点
我不要背着你 说那些 坏的预言
恋人啊 都不准流泪

别说了 再说我就要哭了
总之我是一个人
默默走回家 又静静关了灯
电话那头你说 你是 爱我的