简单的我 ..

荒废已久的部落格。。 不好意识， 是我冷落了您。。 让我很自然的想，或许这完全不是件坏事。。 因为只有心情超差时，我才会有那时间理会您。。 谢谢您总是不离不弃的期待着我。。 总是能完全的接受最自然的我。。


很多时候， 我总会好奇的想，其实，我想要些什么。。 我能要些什么。。 梦想总是遥远的。。 当夜深宁静时。。静得寂寞不停的提醒您它的存在时。。 或许您才能确认一切的一切。。并不是那么的重要。。

如果有那么一天， 你带着期待的心情迎接这天的到来，虽然你清楚的知道你是多么的累，但，你还是提起了精神开心的开了车启程。。就因不太清醒，下车了不久。。真的不确认车门上锁了没而又得返回查查看而被大声的轰骂。。 所有的目光几乎都落在您身上。。 这时又被“要求马上做决定” 。。 然后您察觉路人开始放慢脚步观察这一切。。而您鸦雀无声的。。根本不知道该如何反应过来。。 还得微笑的说“冷静点。。 就你决定吧”。。 然后，突然察觉对方很快的走了。。 周围的人在看您的反应。。 您会跟着对方走吗？如果这一切发生在您身上， 或许您会开始一场无法收拾的惨剧。。 然后对方将一切错都往您身上抛。。 他，掉头就走，就没有再回头或是一句慰问的话语。。 留下您。。 委屈的留下眼泪。。 清楚的知道现在的情绪不稳根本不适合开车。。但，还是一边流着眼泪，一边擦着泪水，一边在尽您所能不要战抖的开车。。

我还能说些什么。。 只有一句 ” 委屈您了“。。 我清楚的知道。。 您当时的微笑只是为了阻止泪水的滑落。。我也知道您的沉默只代表着倒数时间正式开始。。 只是，我的了解又能代表什么呢？

我知道，您要的其实并不复杂。。 如果当下，所有的态度能温和一些，这不会是场收拾不了的惨剧。。 您想要的其实是场没有压力，轻松的外出。。 您想要的其实真的很简单。。 您只想。。 不那么的孤单。。 最起码，能暂时忘了寂寞。。能感觉到另一个在左右。。 就算是1分钟都好。。 但，看来您是时候醒醒了，这是场非常遥远的梦想。。 或许， 如果。。

如果有如果。。。If and only if..

如果真的有如果。。 或许一切都能重写。。 或许“折磨”这字眼不会浮现脑海中吧。。 或许，就是少了“如果”这两字眼吧。。 我们都太习惯了先入为主。。真的有点累了。。 现在的我，有点累。。 背负的或许不只是单方面的重量。。 扛得真的有点累。。 希望的是。。 能有个能歇歇的港口。。 这面具能收起。。 可以无需刻意的因为必须”服侍“而面对笑容。。 可以无需因感觉不到安全感而感到不安。。 这一切的一切。。 未免太重了。。 我抗得。。有点苦。。 刹那间这避风港模糊得让我分不清了。。 有种连辩驳的力气都没了。。 原来累得连说话的力气都没。。辩驳的能力都没了的感觉是如此。。 如果有天， 我看会今天，我会明了这委屈感，此时此刻的感觉。。 但，我所道出的一切。。 你明了吗？如果你真的能明了。。 如果真的有如果。。

给仙人掌的信

亲爱的仙人掌，

你是否尝试过。。有千言万语想说，可，话到了口中。。什么都道不出。。因为你害怕。。迟迟平伏不了的情绪又不听话的涌了出来。。连接着的泪又会花了妆。。 尝试过吗？我，不知该如何面对这样的我。。我痛得好无奈。。

如果有个贝壳，那该多好。。好希望能在此时就这样抽身的躲进这小小避风港。。就算无法完全躲得了100% 的伤害。。至少能将杀伤减为最低？这样的感觉，您明了吗？

仙人掌啊，这会是你一是隔绝的原因之一吗？因为您已伤的太重，重的您得将所有的刺往自己身上刺。。然后用这永久的痛来提醒您，不要再被伤害了吗？那，你是否也是受了精神上的伤了？因为，这是万般的折磨，万般的痛。。 是如此吗？


您永远崇拜的学徒上。

亲爱的仙人掌..

亲爱的仙人掌，

我再次。。败给了时间，曾经，我天真的以为只要坚强点，只要穿上了防弹衣，我将会完整的走出。。。我以为，所有的情绪都会随着时间沉淀下。。能毫无感觉的将它摆放在无人察觉的一角。。可，它却在我毫无防范时一再的浮出。。无法沉淀的情绪，你有否了解？没法整理的心情，是如此的困扰，你又否能体谅？

仙人掌，我好仰慕您的勇敢，无论风吹雨打，您还是义无反顾的立正着。。。我了解您用尖利的刺保护着您，那我呢？一一的被刺伤，我快不能自我，快崩溃了。。是的，我怎么能再次与您比较呢？我，是那么的脆弱，是有血有肉。。任何的触碰都有可能伤害我。。更何况是言语的伤害呢，对吧？ 您是否也有经历过呢？ 那您又如何应对呢？硬碰硬吗？但，这只会注定让更多的人遍体鳞伤不是吗？所以，我选择沉默。。让所有的罪，所有的错，我一个人默认。。这样做，对吗？如果是对，那为何我感觉无比的委屈，无比的无奈，这情绪真的无法沉淀下。。为何这不听话的泪一直涌着来报道？您问我是否生气吗？我该怎么回答。。 生气吗？受伤更贴切吧！ 无法了解为何。。时间将这带到来。。 我，感觉上又回到原点。。终于了解为何这委屈感是如此的熟悉。。原来，所有的一切，又带我会到了原点。。仙人掌啊。。您经历过这一切吗？还是，因为您已经将自已一世隔绝了，所以我所道的一切，你已经没有感受了吗？那，可以教教我。。如何一是隔绝吗？我，真的泪得好累了。。

我已经没有能力带上面具面对一切了。。我知道最原本的我，是一个负担。。因为，我隐藏了好多的烦恼，好多的悲伤。。独自承受着。。好泪好累。。 单纯的以为，这样带着面具的我才会让别人快乐。。但我呢？我又在何处呢？有否有人注意过我眼底的顾虑。。我隐藏着的感受。。有人会否会意过呢？

仙人掌啊，我了解你在这世界有段时间了，会否能告诉我， 是不是所有的事和故，都会败给时间呢？是不是因为时间久了，大家都会累了，这一切都会裂了呢？ 是不是如此呢？

仙人掌啊，可否借我你那宽厚的肩膀靠靠？ 能否就紧紧的拥着我？我知道也了解，身上长满刺的您，会弄伤我，可，此时此刻的我，不就已遍体鳞伤了吗？多了这道伤口，有否有何差别呢。。对吗？就告诉我可以，好吗？


永远崇拜您的徒弟上

Where are you~~?!

This is a question directed to myself.. after a nervous breakdown.. I thought.. I will never experience this ever again.. but the truth is, I actually foresee that I will be expecting this again.. how long more will I go through all these? That is a question.. yet to be answered.. it depends on.. when I will realised.. where am I.. what a question right? Well, have you ever experienced this.. you know where you are.. physically.. but when you are way too devoted into something.. that, at that point of time, you are certain this will be giving future value.. way too devoted that, you lost yourself half way through.. without realising it..and one day, when you are awoken from that wonderful dream of yours.. you realised, you are in a place, where you can no longer see your own reflection.. are you alive? or.. and the 1st question that pops up.. "Where the hell am I?" ..

"Where are you".. this is one question I asked.. when I look into the mirror.. I guess it is the tears that have awoken me.. Yes.. I am not a practical person.. and yes.. I am a highly insecure gal.. this is because.. I have devoted a lot that I am not willing to let go? But, I am losing my grip..
I can't help it but wonder.. is it a sign of tiredness? I can't help it but wonder.. does anyone know what I have been through? How hard it is to come this far? Can you even imagine this? But who am I to judge right? I can never out spoke anyone.. Bare truth, I do not feel like saying a single shit.. because I don think words will worth much.. but I know well that it will certainly bring a lot of damage.. just like how much it had hurt me.. I say nothing does not mean I feel nothing.. some people will feel their power when others agree with what they thought is correct.. but, please do step back and reflect it.. because.. you will never know the truth.. if you continue to think it that way..

Well, the statement above.. you have been through too? Well, at some point of time.. I believe we will go through.. just a matter of time.. I have to say.. THANK YOU for those who are there when I am experiencing my nervous breakdown.. thank you for not forcing me .. and allow me to be myself.. I know I care for others more than I care for myself.. so much so that ... I thought I have lost my own feelings.. so much so that I have ignore my own needs.. and catering it for the happiness of others.. ya.. it is time to wake up.. and look for myself..

This is one song that I love so so much.. I prefer the cd version.. I will attached the lyrics here..


_____________________________________________________________
歌名:比较爱
歌手:梁静茹

别说了 再说我就要哭了
总之我是一个人
默默走回家 又静静关了灯
是否该提醒你祝我生日更快乐

别点歌 别让伤心的情歌
惹得你睡不安稳
情人节的花 你送给了别人
到隔天清晨留言你爱我多诚恳

只要能笑一笑 抱着你 感到安慰
我真的 比较爱你一点
每当你看着我 一个谎 说得甜美
两个人 都忍不住伤悲

别点歌 别让伤心的情歌
惹得你睡不安稳
你生日那夜 你留给了别人
到隔天清晨留言你爱我多认真

只要能笑一笑 抱着你 感到安慰
我真的 比较爱你一点
每当你看着我 一个谎 说得抱歉
我知道 你比我更可怜

就算我笑一笑 得不到 你的安慰
我情愿 比较爱你一点
我不要背着你 说那些 坏的预言
恋人啊 都不准流泪

别说了 再说我就要哭了
总之我是一个人
默默走回家 又静静关了灯
电话那头你说 你是 爱我的

A word for you.. or maybe directed to myself?

What can I say? A lot of things have been happening around me.... I see people being happily together.. and breaking up.. some trying hard to stick together.. some..

Ya.. there is this say.. it is not hard to fall in love.. it is harder to find someone that love you back.. how true is this? that.. is subjective.. but one thing for sure.. no matter how much in love you are.. maybe when you are deeply in love.. you want to believe that, nothing will change.. but one day, when one expectation after another wee not met.. you will start to realise, the only thing that remain unchanged, is change itself.. as everything will change.. whether it is for the better or worst..

You disagree with my saying? Well, look around you.. currently studying? one day you will go into the working world.. and you, therefore, will change.. from the inside out.. or outside in.. you will change.. from the way you talk.. to the way you think.. One day, you will realised, the person that was so close to you.. seems to be so far apart.. ya.. i have a bunch of great fren.. most of them study different field.. and we started to drift further and further apart.. I still do "love" them deeply.. and I know well that if they need helps, i will try my best to help out.. but.. they have changed? or is it.I who started to change?

We cannot avoid change, therefore, we should go along with the change? This makes me wonder.. is there a duration or a definite distance that can make a long distance relationship work? I mean, from what I see, everything will eventually change right..will a long distance relationship eventually work out and somehow overcome all the changes or challenges that come by? Well,that is a question I do not think I am qualify to answer.. but one thing for sure, it is not an easy job to sustain it..

I believed we used to be puzzled with, what kinda ppl we will eventually ended up with.. when we were young.. we would hoping for the best.. one that does not really exist bec it is a "all in one package"... I used to be questioned with this too.. and I will end up saying practically nothing.. at this stage of life, I don aim for good looks , well, who am I to aim for model looking guy right? haha.. I believe one that I can trust, one that I will feel secured with.. that is the main priority.. If i cannot trust you.. how can I trust you with my feeling? How can I feel secured being beside you? I do not need fortune tellers telling me what will happen... I will create my own future.. Yes.. I am not certain what will happen along the road.. I mean, who will be certain of the future.. life itself is a risks.. but am I ready to take a road not taken? This I shall remain silence on.. however, I have come this far.. I intend to continue with the walk? Those that I have entrust with trust.. please do not let me down? I will need you to stand by me.. catch me when I fall.. dance with me when I am happy.. and sing along with me when I am stress out.. for, I will do the same for you too!!

These are the songs that brings back memory.. I still do love these so so badly bec it touched me so so dearly..Does it remind you of some memory?

Suicide?

After a long long hold back.. I am back.. hold back of what? Well.. I am pretty sure no one will be interested in my personal life.. since it is another boring story..

Suicide.. ya.. this somehow has become a "hot topic" in the newspapers as it kept on appearing as one of the headlines.. I can't help it but wonder.. why?? I am sure you feel lost.. sad.. like there is nothing else to live for.. and hence.. the next move will be.. to end your life.. once and for all.. To be frank, such thing does flash through my mind before.. but, I in the same time, I start to question myself.. if I were to go just like that.. one day, if someone were to think of me.. the only thing that they will recall is.. "this poor girl.. had a bad day.. thn die..".. and basically.. tat's all.. which are all negative.. I don't want my life ends just like tat.. If I were to die.. one day, I want ppl to recal me as.. " this gal is a great asset.. it is a huge lost to let go of her.. but it is not her call.. we surely miss her very very dearly.. " Idf I were to leave this world at my darkest moment, people will only remember you at the life prior to ur death right? Maybe I am not entirely correct.. But one thing I am certain of.. I do not have the courage to die just like tat.. do you know how much it takes to commit suicide? Well..you try taking a knife and poke it to your heart.. No.. I do not mean the "poke" button available in the Facebook.. I mean the realy poke where by you will see blood and everything.. can you do it? Maybe you can.. but I surely don't have the courage to do such thing..

I kept wondering.. when one decide to commit suicide.. do they think of their loved ones, by saying the loved ones I meant your parents.. your friends.. the one that you cared and cared of you? If you were to think of them, do you really have the courage to continue? Jumping down from 18 floors does not sound cool at all.. in fact, it is as scary as sitting on a celero shoot.. Before jumping down.. since you feel like you do not have any life anymore.. I believe money to you will mean nothing too right? Why don't you spent some of them.. go to genting.. and sit Celero shoot for .. let's say.. 5 times? this you can redo again and again.. and "experience" the feel of jumping down.. and you can treat it as suicide and "refresh" your mind all over again.. throw the feeling of suicide... and take a little bit more courage and continue your life.. wouldn't that sounds like a better plan?

Live your life FOR yourself.. and not for others.. this is what I usually heard.. somehow.. I am trying to do that as well.. we are bounded by feeling.. and there are times we are happy.. and there are down as well.. life is a cycle.. it is when we experienced the darkest moment that we will become stronger.. and when it goes by, we will know that it is not the end of world.. and we have went through the darkest that we will appreciate things that are around us..

I strongly believe that, there are choices in life.. and each choice taken.. will have an opportunity cost. However, this is life.. and life itself is a gamble.. at times, we might feel lost.. but it is not the end of the world.. it is just a consequences that we have to bare with every step taken. If there is no risks attached to it, I would say, it is not life at all.. some risks are worth taking.. some risks.. once taken.. cannot be undo.. After all, we are not superman, we will still get hurt.. bleed.. but trust me.. it is not the end of the world.. please don't take away life so easily..

This reminded me of a song, Superman can't fly by Jay Chow..I hope you will like it..